I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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