come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
