Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
