Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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