You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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