New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
