Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
