Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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