that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
