oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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