I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
