did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
