apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
