i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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