drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
