Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
