Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
