I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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