Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
