Rock
Scissors
Fuck
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
