is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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