The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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