I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
