Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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