I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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