i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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