Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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