I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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