My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
