Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
