Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
