I just pynch a tree in the face
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
