dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
