no, he came in my armpit
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
