Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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