Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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