the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
