Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
