I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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