I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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