I cannot find my penis.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
