The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
ttyl tear gas
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
