No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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