2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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