life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
either way he was missing a nipple.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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