she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
