If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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