it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
