You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
