mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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