WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
