Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
