tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
